I have not been sleeping well as of late. I cannot shake this feeling of anxiety in the ever present waiting for the decisions that will befall me in the next two weeks. It is starting to take it's toll on me psychologically and physically. I now walk through the streets with butterflies in my stomach. I am dizzy and unable to concentrate on anything else. I wake up in the middle of the night and am unable to fall back asleep as my mind begins to mull over all of the "what ifs". I can feel my heart start to race and I can no longer lie still in bed or sit still at any of the desks that I occupy. In class I am physically present, but my mind will quickly begin a decent into a vertiginous abyss of the unknown. I am, for lack of a better phrase, "freaking the fuck out" about all of this. I start to feel guilty for not having done better in the past. I become jealous of my friends that have already been accepted. I start to wonder if I could have done things differently. If I should have said more or less in my interviews. Am I good enough for this journey. Will I be able to handle the ridiculous amount of stress that comes with having the lives of people in my hands. How many mistakes have I made and what mistakes will I undoubtedly make in the future. And of course the ever present questions like "Where the hell are my wife and I going to live dammit????" and "how the hell am I going to pay for all of this."
In this process, I can thankfully say that I do have a backup in place if these two other schools do not work out and for that I am forever grateful that, regardless of what occurs in the coming weeks, that I, no matter what, will be able to receive a doctorate and practice medicine.
For those of you counting, that is 23 MD schools applied to, 20 pre-interview rejections, 1 pre-interview hold, and 2 post interview decisions to be handed down.

In other news I have a biochemistry exam tomorrow that I will hopefully do well on. I did manage to get in some studying despite being out of town and will have tonight and most of the day tomorrow to make sure that I know my stuff.

I have been keeping my fingers crossed and hope alive for a multitude of things over the last several months of this year. The least of which seems to be my own future and being accepted to an MD school. The most important you ask? A story that is not meant for this journal, one that should be told in person and involves someone who has become irreversibly attached to my heart. That someone is at the top of my list and stands now as one of the more important assets in my life and has inadvertently become the ultimate reason for this journey that I have embarked upon.

When we next meet I will perhaps have some answers and will hopefully be able to look back at this post and laugh about how silly I was for thinking these things, but what I am really looking forward to is a good nights sleep.

With fingers perpetually crossed,

MVH